


Someone Like You

by clockworkswan



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Character Death, Heavy Angst, M/M, Why Did I Write This?, book your therapy session, like....it hurts a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-07-18 10:51:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7312072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clockworkswan/pseuds/clockworkswan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Magnus had let Alec go, and they spend their lives apart; only to meet on Alec’s deathbed one last time...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Someone Like You

_“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead…”_

_~ ~ ~_

“Magnus, it’s him. He wants to see you...”

_One last time._

Isabelle’s unspoken words haunted him already. 

The spell book Magnus was holding landed with a thud on the floor.

Could he really go and face the shadowhunter? Was he ready for those words to be said? Words that Magnus knew were certainly to be played over and over again for all the years to come.

_Are you ever going to be ready?_

The answer was no. It was always a no.

Every death and every loss had taught Magnus that it never grew easier; only more inevitable. There were moments throughout the years where he had wanted to break his promise to Alec. He would think of his hazel eyes, and how soft Alec’s lips felt in his dreams, and had wanted to rush from wherever he was in the world to risk himself once more. His heart leaped at the chance to love the shadowhunter; the lonely, closed-off shadowhunter who had grown into a leader and saved many innocent lives in exchange for his own happiness.

Many years ago, at the altar, Alec had married someone with his head and left his heart behind.

Left _Magnus_ behind.

When Alec had denied him that one last time, shaking his head firmly when Magnus walked in late that day, the warlock knew it was time to surrender; to hold up the white flag of acceptance and move on.

Only he never had.

He had tried – desperately and almost forcefully – to love again. Men, women; anyone. Eventually he realised there was something wrong with him. Something was missing that denied his heart access to that vulnerability he used to bravely share.

He had walked away from much more than Alec that day.

Magnus had walked away from a future.

And today, he would face that regret.

As he slowly made the portal to Alec and his wife, Lydia’s house, he considered the last time he had seen him.

It had been over thirty years ago, a short while before he stopped being High Warlock of Brooklyn and fled to England. His London home had always felt a little empty so he filled it with many parties and kept himself busy by taking over as High Warlock of London from the current warlock, a sweet-tempered woman with purple skin named Anna.

Before leaving, he had been called into a meeting to make sure the transition went smoothly with the next soon-to-be High Warlock. Of course, he couldn’t avoid Alec then. He was older, not to anyone’s surprise, but Magnus was taken aback by the same determination in his shoulders. The shadowhunter’s eyes were still so full of light and life that Magnus had had to look away.

He realised then that he was fleeing to London for one main reason.

He didn’t want to see Alec’s light fade away.

The second he entered that room and saw Alec, Magnus knew he was still in love with him.

He was still holding onto that tiny spark that had been lit so many years before. In a party; in his loft; in the Institute. Those memories were all Magnus had to play over and over again, wondering what he could’ve said to make Alec change his mind.

“Thank you for coming, Magnus.” Alec said quietly.

Magnus noticed how the shadowhunter refused to meet his gaze. He managed to greet the room with a small smile and nodded at Alec, who was now the Head of the Institute; with Lydia by his side. And what a team the pair made together. Magnus had heard nothing but reports of how they ran the place with patience and confidence, less strict than their parents but still with the right amount of control.

When he left that day, Magnus knew he might never see Alec again.

He hesitated outside the building, staring out into a world that was just as frightening as the one filled with magic and demons and other evils. He had walked out of the meeting without touching Alec. No handshakes or awkward embraces. They had never touched since Alec helped him heal Luke. Every now and again, Magnus’ hand would twitch, as though remembering how the shadowhunter’s hand had felt in his own and burning to be held again.

“Magnus, hold up.”

Magnus flinched. He closed his eyes, listening as Alec’s footsteps grew closer as he took the steps quickly to where the warlock stood. He levelled his breathing and turned around.

Alec stood a few feet away, his hands hanging awkwardly by his sides. He opened his mouth and then paused, glancing back to the Institute before looking back and taking a step closer. “I…wanted to…say goodbye. And, uh, wish you well. In London, I mean, though I’m sure you don’t need it.”

What did Alec want him to say? Thank you? Magnus couldn’t bring himself to say anything. As he stared up at the boy, all Magnus felt was a sharp knife digging into his gut. It was a shard of glass forever burying itself into his heart, hovering in the centre; never pushing all the way in. Just like Alec himself.

“Izzy will miss you. Even Jace will.” Alec smiled, and it was such a small, hopeful smile that Magnus wanted to tear into the earth and release his anguish into it. He could feel the desperation in Alec. He hated it. He wanted to burn it into oblivion. How dare he make this even harder for him?

It was one thing to leave Alec in a roomful of people, it was another to turn his back and walk away from only him. He would feel his eyes memorising the curve of his neck, and the sound of his footsteps; just as Magnus had been memorising his seconds beforehand.

“Jace will get over it, I’m sure.”

“Just so you know,” Alec folded his arms across his chest. He looked so young, even though he was well into his forties by then. His shoulders were hunched and his usually bright eyes were glistening with unshed tears. “If you ever need me – us, the Institute – we’ll be there. Whenever. Say the word and you will have our support.”

This was the only gift Alec could give him, Magnus realised. The shadowhunter was offering the only thing he could; support. Someone to call.

“Thank you, Alec. I will keep that in mind.”

He knew he would never call Alec again. He wouldn’t be able to without spiralling into a whirlwind of shame and regret and bitterness. The new start he was aiming for would require a total severing of ties.

So Magnus lied.

“Do not look so crestfallen, my dear.” Magnus forced his tone to be cheerful. “I’m sure our paths will cross again. There’s bound to be another war at some point.”

Alec gave a short laugh, and Magnus clung to the sound. He bottled it. He saved it. He wrapped his arms tightly around it and swept it into his soul.

After all, he would never hear Alec laugh again.

“Goodbye, Alec.”

He had turned to leave, when-

“Wait. Please.”

Magnus slowly turned around. He gazed up at Alec and watched as the shadowhunter stepped forward, a tear falling down his cheek as he whispered, “Magnus…will you say it?”

He didn’t need to clarify.

Magnus smiled through his own tears. He lifted his hand, wiped Alec’s cheek and softly said, “Goodbye, _Alexander_.” His hands trembled. “Please have an amazing life.”

He had walked away that day and wondered if he was dying. The pain was agonising. It was a loss like no other, simply because it was the loss of possibility. He wasn’t losing a person as such, but a shared ‘what if’.

Over the years to come, Magnus convinced himself that letting Alec go was a good decision. He was married and living his life with another mortal. One who he could raise a family with and do his duty to his loved ones, which, Magnus realised, would always be Alec’s priority. Derailing that train had never been within his abilities.

All the magic Magnus possessed, and he couldn’t stop a single shadowhunter from walking away. From loving him and fighting for a future with him.

And now, Alec had asked for Magnus. To speak to him before he passed away.

He hovered outside their house, staring up at the large windows and the pretty roses around the front garden. It was a charming, welcoming house, but it sprung tears into Magnus’ eyes. This was what he could never have. His loves would always be impermanent permanence. He would drift between love; now and forever.

Yet Alec had been a stability. Ever since he had met him, Magnus felt orbited around him, and he was certain, even to this fatal day, that the shadowhunter felt the same.

When a young, middle-aged woman opened the door, Magnus inhaled sharply.

_Those hazel eyes…_

Seeing them on another person was jarring.

“You must be the warlock.” The woman smiled, a little sadly, but warmly. She didn’t say ‘warlock’ like a sneer either, but a simple recognition. “My name is Maggie. Maggie Lightwood.”

If it was possible, Magnus would have collapsed from shock.

Maggie was a common enough name, he reminded himself, ignoring the way his heart was drumming loudly in his ears. As the woman led him into the house, he tried to calm his shaking hands. What did it matter if Alec’s daughter was called Maggie? It might be short for Margaret and a family name. It could be random, or a coincidence.

His ego needed a serious check if he thought Alec had named his daughter after him.

“I should warn you, sir,” Maggie held out a gentle hand to stop him from entering the bedroom. Her eyes were so uncannily like Alec’s that he dug his nails into his palms to stop from gasping. “My father is…close. If he wishes to see you, it must be very important. Please…ease his passing if you can.” She trailed off and Magnus watched as she fought back sobs. He wanted to reach out and comfort her, but she was a dream-like reminder of what he had missed out on.

She opened the door and Magnus stepped into the bedroom, closing it behind him.

“You came.”

Without turning around still, Magnus smiled at the door. His voice was still so…Alec. It was aged, of course, but it still had that abruptness. That refreshing honesty.

“Of course I did, you stupid shadowhunter. I like to make a dramatic entrance, remember?”

“How could I ever forget?” Alec’s voice was aged and soft in its frailty. His next words were barely a whisper, but Magnus heard them as if they were a war cry. “It was the biggest mistake of my life, Magnus. Letting you go.”

He spun around quickly, his eyes wide. Alec was sitting up in bed, gazing at him with hazel eyes, now wrinkled with more than age. What pained Magnus the most was that he was still watching him with that same shy eagerness, as though they had years together still.

They didn’t.

They might not even have the hour.

Magnus walked over to the bed and slowly sank down beside Alec, angling his body towards the now gray-haired shadowhunter. “ _Alexander.._.” Magnus reached out and touched Alec’s face gently. He was still so handsome and that hurt Magnus the most. He still felt the desire to kiss and embrace Alec, even with his old age and his lines and hoarse voice. All he wanted to do was curl up beside him.

“Can you see it, Magnus? Have you dreamt about it, like I have?”

Magnus frowned a little. He brushed away a damp strand of Alec’s hair and shuffled closer. Was Alec even fully aware that this was real? The shadowhunter’s eyes were a little glazed off, and his skin was hot under Magnus’ hand.

“Have I seen what, my dear Alec?”

“Us.” Alec breathed out. He closed his eyes and leaned into Magnus’ hand, smiling as he did so. “I dream about us. Every day. Every time I close my eyes, all I see…is you. I see everything, Magnus. I see it. I see it…”

Magnus bit his lip, determined not to break down into tears. He couldn’t stop his eyes from burning. Alec was feverish and Magnus could feel himself consumed by the fire too. His words were painfully blunt. Approaching death had made them clear and unashamedly filled with desire and regret.

“Tell me,” He murmured gently to the dying shadowhunter. “Tell me more, Alec.”

Alec gasped and coughed once. Magnus waited, on edge, until he settled once more into his palm and rested his head against the pillow. His voice was quiet once more. “Did you meet my daughter, Magnus? She is so beautiful. She reminds me of you. So kind and brave and…lonely.”

Magnus flinched.

Alec’s eyes opened and he gazed straight at Magnus, his expression suddenly so focused and sure. “She is named after an amazing man. A warlock. Someone very special, who I let slip away before I had the chance to truly love them the way they ought to be loved.”

Finally, a tear escaped Magnus’ eyes. He let it fall and watched Alec. An idea had been forming in his mind since he arrived, and watching Alec’s confession had only made it seem more fitting. He reached forwards and kissed the top of Alec’s head before sitting back and trying for a kind smile. It wobbled, but he hoped Alec didn’t see the quiver. “You loved me, hm? Silly Nephilim. What poor taste in men you have.”

While he spoke, he began to slowly dance his fingers across Alec’s forehead, keeping his gaze locked to distract him. It worked, and Alec’s eyes begun to flutter and he stared. After another few moments, Alec’s expression changed. The lines in his forehead smoothed out slightly, and his shoulders lowered as he relaxed. When he closed his eyes, Magnus sent one last spark of blue magic across his skin before drawing back his hand.

He waited.

Alec’s eyes opened once again. His lips pulled into a wide, carefree smile. “Magnus.” He breathed, like he was saying the name for the first time. It was said so tenderly, and Magnus felt another tear slip down his cheek. He smiled at Alec. “How do you feel, my love?”

“Like hell.” Alec said honestly, but his eyes were suddenly warm, and Magnus felt himself torn between hope and anguish. Alec gazed at him lovingly. “Where’s your wedding ring?”

Magnus bit his lip, hard. Anything to stop the anguished scream that wanted to escape his lips. Alec’s words were proof that his magic had worked. He could pretend, just for a little while, that it was a reality. It was his final gift to Alec; a lifetime of dreams woven into a fairy-tale.

“It’s safe, I promise.” Magnus replied, softly.

Alec nodded and sighed. He settled down onto the pillow again, tugging Magnus towards him. The gesture was casual, as though he had done it a billion times. And to Alec, he had. He had embraced Magnus like this nearly every day for years. He had held him and kissed him in the mornings and the evenings and cherished their time together, always.

Magnus’ magic had spun those memories into his mind. Rewritten the past and created the future they had always wanted but never fought hard enough for.

“Tell me a story.” Alec asked, turning to him and smiling. “Tell me our story? Leave out the part where my mom slapped you when you asked for her blessing.”

Magnus almost believed that one.

“Very well. Once upon a time, there was a very handsome warlock. He was bold and brave and loved a boy who was scared to live. A boy whose heart was too big for the fearful world around him. But, one day, the boy met the warlock and his entire life changed. He realised that he deserved to be love, and that this incredibly stylish and passionate man-“

“Not at all biased there.” Alec said dryly, but he was smiling and nodded for Magnus to continue with a little eye roll.

“They fought for their love, and won. Everyone accepted their love sooner or later, because it was fairly obvious to everyone that the warlock and the shadowhunter were soulmates. Separating them was a curse too awful, too terrible, to enact. They faced battles together and won every time.”

“What about the Battle of the Shoes?”

Magnus blinked, and Alec sighed, continuing for him. “Except for the Battle of the Shoes, when their sons, Max and Raffe, in an act of rebellion against their papa’s devotion to shoes – instead of their cartoons – burned half of the warlock’s shoe collection. Many tears were shed that day. The children were punished with love, only guilting them further.”

Why had he created such creative memories? He had wanted a simple story, not one filled with such realism and hope. It was almost too much for him to bear, and he squeezed his eyes shut. But the hope in Alec’s voice, the love and the fond remembrance, was worth it.

“I remember your wedding vows. Even when I forget my own name, I remember your words, Magnus.”

Magnus opened his eyes and reached for Alec’s hand. He kissed it tenderly for a few seconds, hiding the look of pain that had flashed across his features. He gathered up the strength to pull back and waited for Alec to continue.

“You said that you thought about me every day. And that you wanted a future with me from the moment you saw me.”

It was true. Magnus had. He would until the day he himself died.

“You told me that of all the people you have ever loved, I would the only one who you would love like this. And I told you the same in return. If I had a hundred lives, I would love you, and only you, Magnus Bane. If I was immortal, I could love you forever, but it doesn’t matter. I’m willing to wait until I meet you in the next life. Because we will. Meet again. That’s why I’m not sad anymore, Magnus. I am not afraid of death because I have lived without any regrets. I lived and loved you, and our children. Why…are you crying?”

Alec reached up, trying and struggling to sit up.

Magnus swallowed his sadness and gently pushed Alec back until he was lying down. He climbed onto the bed and laid down next to him, locking their hands together over Alec’s chest as he forced himself to smile. “Because I am happy, Alexander.”

Alec suddenly stiffened. When he looked down, tears were in his eyes. “Why do I feel like you haven’t said my name in such a long time?”

“Don’t be silly.” Magnus said, quickly. “I’ve been saying it all our lives.”

“I know…” Alec drifted off. He sighed weakly. “I think…I am ready to leave soon. The Silent Brothers have already come and gone. I think…I was waiting for you, Magnus.”

Magnus let the tears fall. He had fought against it for a while, but that was the turning point, because Alec’s words cut right to the bone. How long had they been waiting for each other, so lost and lonely? Only to reunite to watch Alec leave the world forever. It was unfair and cruel.

But if Magnus could ease Alec’s passing, he was going to. Even if it killed him also.

“I have always been here, Alexander. Always here, and loving you.”

“I am…glad.”

“For what?” Magnus whispered, choking on tears and burying himself into Alec’s chest to avoid looking up at him.

“The life you have given me.”

Magnus choked again, miserable. His words were closer to the truth than he would ever know.

“Magnus….my Magnus…do not cry….” Alec’s hands stroked through his hair then, and Magnus savoured the touch as though it were oxygen. He had not been touched in so long, and even longer by Alec. He felt his hands brush down his neck and stroke his shoulder softly, before tilting his chin up to look at him.

“There you are.” Alec said, gazing down at him sweetly. “The man I love.”

Magnus felt drawn to him as though he were at once the young Alec he had first fallen for - the young and shy Alec – as well as the older, mature shadowhunter leader. He was youthful and wise all at once. He could see the many different versions of Alec that he had never had the pleasure of knowing. They reflected back into his eyes with such a clarity that Magnus himself almost believed his own lies.

Alec’s eyelids begun to flutter and beneath his shirt, Magnus listened as his heartbeat had gradually slowed over the past few minutes. It was happening and he was not ready. He would never be ready. Never.

“Alexander, please….stay a little while longer. Stay with me. Please. Please…”

Alec’s lips pulled into a hint of a smile, but his eyes remained closed. “Magnus, you’re here.” He said dreamily. “I love you.”

“Alec-“ Magnus broke off, unable to speak anymore. He held Alec’s face in his own, tenderly, and watched as his chest slowed to a still.

“Magnus….?”

“Yes, my love?”

“Look after our children.”

And with a smile, and with Magnus cradling him gently, Alec breathed his final breath.

Magnus brushed a kiss against Alec’s cracked lips, wishing that he could exhale some of his immortality and bring the shadowhunter back to life. “I love you too.” He whispered. Finally. A tear dripped onto Alec’s lips and all Magnus could taste was bitterness and regret.

He stayed like that for a long time; his forehead pressed to Alec’s and his eyes closed.

He couldn’t open them and not see Alec’s own staring back at him.

Alec was gone, and part of Magnus had fled with him.

Blackness filled his vision. He was reaching for a sky, clinging to the limitless spread of clouds and sunshine. All he was greeted with was a storm; a thundering oblivion of swirling and maddening emptiness.

~ ~ ~

_“When he died, all things soft and beautiful and bright would be buried with him.” - Madeline miller._

The only small hope Magnus clung to, sitting and sobbing against Alec’s lifeless body, was that immortality did not mean living forever. He would hope until he himself passed on and was reunited with Alec.

Perhaps in that life, they could share a future. They could be the soulmates they were always designed to be.

They would love without fear and without regret.

Magnus kissed Alec, one last time. In this world at least, they would kiss a thousand times. 

“I will find you, Alexander. Nothing can stop me. I promise.” He gently closed Alec’s eyes with his trembling fingertips and pressed a kiss to each of them before whispering, “Please….wait for me, my love.”

~

_Fin._

**Author's Note:**

> I am very sorry for writing this. Yikes.


End file.
